how do you sleep at night?

I was suppose to blog about my birthday surprise my classmates had thrown for me, i even thought about snapping pictures of each the presents my buddies gave and post it in my blog as an appreciation.

So last night, i took the camera with me. Originally the camera was located at my living room. I remember daddy asking me : "What are you doing?" I said i am just taking it with me so i can charge it. So i went to bed around 12am. It was raining so as you can imagine the surroundings, meaning how nice it is to sleep right?

This happened when i was STILL asleep, by the way.

So my brother was sleeping in his room. It was near 3am, i think. Out of a sudden, there were people trying to barge in through his door. When the door was opened, a man approached my brother whom was sleeping. My brother woke up and immediately hit the man on his ear. He learned muay thai, so he knows a thing or two, i guess. Plus my brother is physically fit. Until now, his hands were still black and blue. So you can imagine the impact the man had took.

So he hit the guy. SECOND guy comes in with a parang and placed it besides his neck. My brother knew he couldn't do anything as the THIRD and FORTH guy came and clamp him down. So he remained calm. The robbers asked my brother to open the back door. Honestly we don't use the back door. We had NO clue how it works.

There's where i came in.

I was sleeping nicely. All of a sudden, a loud bang is all i hear. The lights from the staircase revealed at least 3 men when the door flung open. My door was destroyed. I was screaming because well, that's my body's initial reaction. I think my screaming must be annoying as two robbers shush me as quiet as they could. They asked me where is the gold. I'm thinking to myself : "Are you fucking kidding me? Gold? How on earth i could have gold?"

I was still in a blur. Sleepy-ness and confusion steps in, plus adrenalin never left me. I told him no. BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T HAVE! WTF?

So i was being pushed up to my brother's room. While i was being forced to enter my brother's room, the only thing on my mind is shit i don't want to get raped. You can take my wallet my guitar my phone my camera - but if you so as much as violating my body. I swear to God - i will fight till the end.

I try to delay time.Well actually i was freaking out THUS i delay the time. Seriously. I was like why?! The man was clearly annoyed and just call me to go. When i saw my brother sitting on his bed, while robbers ransacking his belongings, i knew at least im safe. They won't harm me.

As a few robbers were tying the both of us on the bed, the leader (i think?) asked my brother where is the gold and cash. My brother just stared at him. He said he has none. You wanna know why? Because clearly we DON'T HAVE IT! We never do!

I think the robber was pissed or something. Me and my brother were unusually calm. My brain won't stop working. I've been staring at the floor with my eyes wide open for a period of time. Things just flow in and out of my mind. Is this it? I asked myself. Is this the part where they are going to kill us? The part of not knowing is the scariest. If they can tie you up like this, chances are they can kill us, no?

One of the robber tried to tie my mouth to keep it shut. He actually used my brother's jacket and tie it.

Here's where my parents came in.

When they broke down my brother's door, my parents heard the banging noise, and thought that my brother was doing something in his room. So my parents decided to go check on him. My dad slowly pee-d and walk down. I think by the time they walked down, they heard another banging noise (which is my room). So they suspected something amiss and want to check it out even more.

The 1st thing they notice is the shoes. Usually our shoes were messy, in front of the door. But it was perfectly aligned. From the minute my dad opened the door and walked in, he saw an intruder. My dad's automatic response : fight.

Macho, kan? Mong men, ftw.

They fought. My dad was trying to defend himself. The robber has a weapon - my dad has bare hands. Life is not fair, my friend. My dad had to take the chair and defend himself and he punched him a couple of times (way to go, dad!).

When my dad and one of the robber guarding the main door were struggling, of course there will be shouting and things falling to the floor. Plus at that time, my mom has been yelling from the top of her lungs and she uses pots and pans to create noises to attract the neighbours attention. I can hear her yelling with such stress in her voice. I was thinking "oh God mom please be okay please be okay." The robbers tying me and the rest of them heard the noise and immediately took everything including the parang and went down in the speed of lightning, man.

All i can think about is OH SHIT - DAD. Please for the love of everything, please don't harm my dad. I was so afraid that i started closing my eyes and my heart beat went faster and faster. I don't want ANYTHING to happen to my dad. It's 6 men against my dad. It's just not fucking fair!

My brother, calm as ever, he told me to not think about it. Just calm down. Don't think about it.

The next few minutes of SILENCE are the worst. I was like oh God. Why is it so QUIET? And all the cuss words start to fly out. I only cuss during emergency - and this is DEFINITELY an uncontrollable emergency! Beside me, my brother was trying so hard, with all his strength to break free of the wires that are tying his hands. I was washed out from the fact that i don't know whether my parents are safe or not.

Suddenly i saw a figure walking up the stairs. It was my dad. With blood dripping all over his body. He was shirtless and bright red lines was all i see. He was injured from the head. I immediately felt like crying and when he looked at me with a face that says it all - i fight till the end.

He ordered my brother to untie me. He tried to untie me himself at 1st, my arms were also dabbed by his blood. But my brother manage to break free (i was like how does he do that?!) and he untied me. All i can feel at that moment was rage. Anger. Fatigue. Pissed. You come and steal things, i honestly have nothing to say. But. You injured my father. You cross the line, dude. This situation is FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond Any Recognition.

I was like untying myself on the leg while being in a division of pissed and wanting to cry.

The police came really fast. But they could have capture them if only minor mishaps like informing the wrong taman (yeah that's what happen to us, but still they are quick, yo) is avoided. I was surprised at the speed of the arrival of the police. When i walked down. The living room was filled with blood. The couch. The wall. Blood were all over. I saw the computer table was pushed and the speakers fell down. Then i knew the struggling happened exactly here.

I went holy crap. This looks like those crime scene in those CSI shows, but this was no joke. These were my father's blood. We have to get dad to the hospital.

My mom called the police right after she yell for help. Even the ambulance came, so my brother accompany my dad to go to the hospital near by. There were a few police officer, so they questioned us and all the usual stuff.

Later on the detectives came. After the questioned us and stuff, me and mom had to wait for the forensic team to come. So we talked about how fortunate it is for our family. My mom told me she was so worried when she didn't hear a single voice upstairs. I'm like Ma, me too, i freaked out when i didn't hear anything downstairs. Both of us smile at each other with relief. I know that mom was heart-broken because jewelries with sentimental values where stolen. Those were gifts by my grandmother. The watch that was stolen, i knew all along that she would be heart-broken. Because that is my dad's hard-earning money and the 1st watch he bought her.

I can look at all these when i look straight into her eyes. She looks so fragile and heart-broken. But we remind each other that we still have each other and none of us are seriously injured (except for dad, while we were still worried for him). We talked and comfort each other until the crack of dawn. I can see that the sky starts to turn into very dark blue colour. I looked at the clock - it wasn't an accurate clock, but at least we got to see the time, lol. It was about 6 something am, if im not wrong. Then suddenly we saw my brother walking back, i'm like dude where's dad?

"I will drive my car to pick him now lah."

Fuuuh. Macho. Walk back from hospital. :D

So dad came back with 8 stitches on his head. The doctor said that it wasn't serious, it's just skin and stuff. The stitches look like antennas popping out of dad's head. I've been looking at it for the whole day. So after he came back, the forensic team came.

He thought me and my brother were husband and wife. Both of us were LOLOLOLOLOLOL-ing the whole time. So did the usual protocol, questioning, recording.

My dad explained everything to him. Luckily, thank God, the 6 men didn't attack dad at one shot. They were escaping. I was so happy to hear that they didn't attack daddy, it's like my heart became lighter or something. I dont really care what items i lost, as long as i know that daddy is okay and the family is okay, then it's all good.

The inspector wanted me to go to the balai police and do the statement thingy ( im not sure what's that call ). I was like whoa i would never picture myself going to the balai police. D:

When we were leaving, i saw a guitar-shaped case. I just simply asked him : "whoa is that a guitar?"

And he's like yeah with a smile.

So i had to go back home from balai, CLEAN every single corner because of the blood stains. I was mopping and all that. They caused a mess out of everything. Me and my mom had to CLEAN every freaking thing. I was mumbling like an old woman while mopping the blood stains. I mean seriously, robbing us AND leaving a mess and us have to clean it up. Seriously? Seriously.

After cleaning up i was so exhausted. I only slept for two hours before they broke my door (wtf!). I was so. Exhausted. I am physically okay because they didn't harm me, thank God, but im so mentally tired.

I felt so violated. This. Is my home. MY HOME. A place where i am every day and do my things and live my simple life with my family. It's such a wonderful place. And you robbers had to come and ruin everything.

Now i felt like my house is not a home anymore. I always felt like wanting to cry when i look at my own house. The phantom pain is always there, and i can guarantee you - this pain will follow me for the rest of my life.

Being robbed, being tied, heart beating so fast when you don't know how are your family members, whether are they safe or not. - ALL this is my biggest phobia. And it came true today. I'm still afraid. I'm still angry, very angry. My dad was injured protecting us. He will always be my hero. I'm the luckiest daughter in the planet because i had this brave, selfless man as my father.

I am forever grateful.

Thanks to you robbers, i will never ever felt safe in my life.

Thanks to you robbers, my father will forever had a scar on his head. Thanks to you robbers, for breaking my mother's heart for stealing her jewelries which has deep sentimental values to her and NOT just because it IS jewelries.

How do you sleep at night?

We're not wealthy people. We're such average people. I mean come on we don't own gold or have cash laying around or whatever! We're so AVERAGE! WHAT THE HELL? And one day when i was sleeping so peacefully, that's the day where you robbers left a phantom scar in my life.

After i cleaned everything, i felt so emotionally unstable that i had to cry myself to sleep. Even now i felt so. So. Angry. I can't stop thinking about the door breaking, the blood all over the floor, the bruises i have, most importantly - my father's stitches.

YOU create this. YOU made me felt so angry, i've never been so angry in my life. YOU made me feel so unsafe in life till the point of me thinking what's the point of living day by day thinking people will harm me? It's so clear that after today - it's a dog eat dog world. It's so materialistic! Everybody needs fast money!

My father. Worked so hard in his life. He never went to college - because he doesn't have the money. He was all on his own when he was just 18. He survived. Why? Because he is strong. He is determined. He never gives up. AND he never turn into crimes when he needed money. Instead, he work HARDER. THAT'S how he can afford things in life. To eat. To sleep. Basic things in life!

He did it on his own - and he did it RIGHT. He's 54 years old. What he had today is based on his hard work. So he buy some things to reward himself, what's the wrong of it? One day - everything he had was gone. WHY?!

But seriously. Don't go to the path of no return. Earn money the right way, not everything falls down from the sky. Karma will eventually get to you. People like my father worked really hard in his life. It is so unfair that it can be taken away in the matter of seconds by inhuman inconsiderate materialistic narrow-minded jackasses.

Turn back while you can. Be a man. You won't regret it.